Deep, Fast

3 days after posting a profile on the embryo donation website, I received a message  from a woman with 6 embryos.  I immediately connected with her emotionally, and we are getting to know each other through online messages.  Slowly, cautiously, and with a quirky vulnerability that appears to come naturally to both of us, we are getting acquainted with each other and with the possibility of making an unconventional arrangement.

I am afraid.  Not that this won't work or that I'll never have more children...I actually feel uncharacteristically open handed and at ease about all that...but of the unknowns specifically regarding this type of situation.  With traditional adoption, I worried about things like whether or not the birth mom would eat well, or be exposed to some horrible known/unknown toxin.  With this, I wonder what unknown emotional and physical effects might challenge a soul frozen for years...this is new in the history of humanity, and I wonder about it.  I'm finding myself firm and at peace in so many aspects of adoption that I could understandably be concerned about, yet apprehensive about this.  Afraid of loving another little person so much, and of having that child suffer somehow.  I can't deny that one aspect of that anxiety is the guarantee of personal suffering that corresponds to the affliction of one who is beloved.

I want to do the right thing and I want to do it for the right reasons.  I want to trust God no matter what His plan looks like or entails.  I like to think that if I just do everything a certain way I can guarantee the outcome-that by eating a particular way or by praying hard enough, that I can guarantee that my children will be happy and healthy, and that nothing painful or difficult will ever happen to any of us.  That I can have all that my heart desires and never lose anything I hold dear.  I have realized that one of the reasons I wanted my husband to get a vasectomy, all those years ago, was because of fear.  I loved my new children more than I'd imagined was possible, and I was afraid.  Afraid of losing them, afraid that I couldn't be a good enough mother to them, afraid of what would happen to my bursting heart if I dared love another one.  That was a long time ago, and I have learned that fear is a terrible motive to drive any life decision.  But I find myself now, having had my faith tested, having failed, triumphed by His grace, and having learned so much..facing the same foe again.  It looks fresh, but at it's core it hasn't changed.  I am afraid of loving only to lose-afraid of suffering.  At my core, asserting that maybe God does n't know best, won't take good care of my family, wouldn't really do a better job at all this than I would if I had the chance...Pride is the source of fear that suggests we should not be at rest in our hearts because God is not good and He cannot be trusted.  God forgive me.  Perhaps I am not thinking, as I should, of the souls that await a chance at birth and life...in fact it appears, in spite of all the reasonable-sounding things I might say to dismiss it,  that I am thinking mostly of myself.

If you think of me, pray for my heart.  Pray that I will rest and be content at every step of this journey.  And also that my mind and heart be fearless and open to what God has for our family-that I walk in joy, peace, and wisdom.  Not fear.

Online Auction Coming...

I'm at the very beginning stages of planning an online auction of donated goods and services.  I'll probably hold the auction on this blog.

Let me know one way or another if you have something you want to donate-a new Christmas gift you didn't need, a handmade item, a good or service related to your business.  This would be a good way to get some attention for your business as you help a mama out!

Miracles Waiting

With my husband's blessing, I have joined an online embryo donation community called Miracles Waiting.  We have been accepted as potential embryo recipients, and are waiting for our online profile to be approved.

I am so excited about the possibility here.  Traditional adoption just hasn't worked out for us so far, and I have not been able to raise much money to go toward the significant expenses involved.  The whole embryo adoption process could cost under $4,000 if the first transfer is successful.  That doesn't count pregnancy and birth related expenses, of course.  But our "insurance" (a Christian healthcare sharing program) has generous maternity coverage; it even covers home birth with a Certified Professional Midwife, which is my preference.

Being as passionate as I am about eating organic, whole foods, and emotionally protecting babies in utero by promoting a peaceful pregnancy and birth, it is also thrilling to me that I might have a measure of control over these factors for the children we adopt.

I don't know whether or not this will work out on so many levels.  But we have hoped for more children for a long time.  We feel called to love through adoption; and from where I stand, this seems reasonable and good and possible.  All I can do is pray for and embrace contentment right where I am, and advance at whatever rate the next steps are uncovered.

Pecan Fundraiser

So now we've got local, in-the-shell pecans grown without synthetic chemicals or fertilizers.  We're getting them through one of our coop farmers.  One advantage of in the whole pecans is increased shelf life compared to their "naked" counterparts.  They are great right out of the shell as snacks, in baking, and even as a shelf stable protein for emergency food storage situations.  Pecans are $10 a pound, 5 pounds for $40, or 10 pounds for $60.  

Payments will be taken the same as before; either through the "Donate" button on the blog, or by cash or check at pickup.  

If paying online via the "Donate" button at the upper right hand corner of this blog, click the paypal link (on the payment page) that says, "Add special instructions to recipient". Please give your name and email address, specify the number of pounds you would like, and include the pickup time you prefer.

If you wish to pay cash at pickup, send me an email, Facebook message, text, or blog comment with your name and email address, the number of pounds you would like, and the pickup time you prefer.

I will send an email  confirming your order to the email address I receive with your order.  Pecans will be available for pickup at my house between 4-6pm Thursday, Janury 31 and between 12:30-1:30pm in the Frisco Hobby Lobby parking lot on Preston Rd, Sunday, February 3rd.  If we know eachother, and none of these times work for you, let me know and we'll work out a more convenient pickup time.   I can even arrange porch pickups at your convenience.  

There is also an option to donate honey to a local food bank.  Just pay online and specify your desire to donate under the "Add special instructions to recipient" tab where you give your contact information.  I will deliver the nuts.  

Order deadline is Thursday, January 17th at noon.  Let me know if you have any questions.  

Embryo Adoption

I stopped my lactation protocol about 9 months after I started, and a week and a half after beginning the pumping part; it was just too time consuming and expensive to keep up with, considering there's no baby in sight.  We are going back through all our adoption options, and reconsidering Embryo Adoption now.  Our domestic agency is very slow right now, a private adoption situation doesn't seem to be working out, and the expiring adoption tax credit is bringing us to a place of re evaluation of our course.  

When families pursue in vitro fertilization, they often end up with extra frozen embryos that they don't feel they can gestate and parent.  Some families donate their embryo's to science, where they are destroyed.  Others transfer them into the mother in a way unlikely to result in pregnancy.  Some freeze them indefinitely, and still others choose to donate them to other families who wish to have more children.  There aren't a whole lot of laws governing embryo "adoption", and it technically isn't considered such, as embryos aren't recognized as people by law.   However, there are agencies that work with families to honor the humanity of these tiny babies by facilitating placements in a manner very similar to those of traditional adoptions.  The tax credit (even if it had been renewed) wouldn't count toward this type of adoption though, since embryo personhood isn't upheld and protected by law at this point.  Anyway, to go through these agencies to adopt embryos is essentially about the same cost as some traditional, domestic adoptons.  I am apparently not a gifted fundraiser, so this option seems out of reach for us at this point.  I have found though, a non profit resource that connects embryos donors and recipients in a more casual manner, so that the costs involved mainly involve a simple legal contract and those of transferring the embryos into the adoptive mother at a fertility clinic.  This, we can do!

So we are looking into this and praying about it.  

Honey Fundraiser

We made $240 selling watermelons, and now we are having a honey fundraiser!  Desert Creek Honey supplies our organic coop, and we will be selling their raw, local honey for this fundraiser.  2 pound bottles will be sold for $12 each, 1 gallon jugs will be sold for $60 each, and 5 gallon buckets will be sold for $200 each.  Payments will be taken the same as before; either through the "Donate" button on the blog, or by cash or check at pickup.  


If paying online via the "Donate" button at the upper right hand corner of this blog, click the paypal link (on the payment page) that says, "Add special instructions to recipient". Please give your name and email address, specify the number/size bottles of honey you would like, and include the pickup time you prefer.



If you wish to pay cash at pickup, send me an email, Facebook message, text, or blog comment with your name and email address, the number/size bottles of honey you would like, and the pickup time you prefer.




I will send an email  confirming your order to the email address I receive with your order.  Honey will be available for pickup at my house between 4-6pm Thursday, August 23rd and between 12:30-1:30pm in the Frisco Hobby Lobby parking lot on Preston Rd, Sunday, August 26th.  If we know eachother, and none of these times work for you, let me know and we'll work out a more convenient pickup time. 

There is also an option to donate honey to a local food bank.  Just pay online and specify your desire to donate under the "Add special instructions to recipient" tab where you give your contact information.  I will deliver the honey.  

Order deadline is Monday, August 13th, at noon.  Let me know if you have any questions.  


Enjoy raw honey as a sweetener in warm tea, drizzled over steel cut oats, as an antidote for seasonal allergies, or in an effective homemade cough syrup for the coming fall and winter.


For information on the benefits of raw, local honey, go here.  


*Pickup dates have changed from 12:30-1:30 Thursday, August 16th to the same times on August 23rd, which is exactly one week later.  The Sunday pickup changed from Sunday, August 19th from 12:30-1:30 to the next Sunday, August 26th at the same times.  Both pickups are still the same day and time, exactly 1 week later than originally planned.  The deadline to order has not changed.

Milk

Today is my first day pumping breastmilk, after drugging myself for 9 months!  I have been on an induced lactation protocol that consisted of meds to fool my body into thinking it was pregnant (and now to think that it has given birth), so that I can make milk.  Now I have stopped one medication and am going to be pumping every few hours for several weeks until I build up a supply.  After a plentiful milk supply is established, I'll work my way down to just a few pumpings a day to maintain it.  Then, I can always build the supply up again when we get a baby.  I got a teaspoon and a half the very first 7 minutes I pumped, which is fantastic!!!!

Now all we need is a baby...